Strategies to Deliver Constructive and Considerate Feedback

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Ever heard of a Feedback Sandwich? It looks like this:

• Slice of bread = praise in the form of positive feedback

• Feedback = the development point aka negative feedback

• Slice of bread = more praise and positive feedback

The idea is that the person receiving the feedback hears twice the amount of positive compared to the negative. Therefore, they’re supposedly more likely to walk away from that convo (or Zoom call) feeling like it was a positive experience.

I’ve also heard it called the Shit Sandwich (makes sense) and The Bathtub Method (can anyone explain that to me?). 

Although the intention of providing feedback in this way may seem constructive, it can often be counterproductive.

This is especially true when looking at feedback through the lens of neuroinclusivity, where we recognise that people think, learn, and respond differently based on their unique neurological makeup.

“Feedback is one of the most powerful influences on learning and achievement, but this impact can be either positive or negative.” - John Hattie and Helen Timperley

“You’re doing a good job!”

Back in my 20s, I worked in sales and was full of dreams about being so dang great at it that my name would be up in metaphorical lights on the national weekly leaderboard.

Spoiler alert: it never was. Although I did get my name up in lights in Times Square once. True story. 👇

I was making hundreds of outbound sales calls each week and my supervisor’s feedback was undeniably positive. I mean, I was hitting my sales targets even if I wasn’t the best in the country. And I was consistently told that I was doing a “good job”. 

Except I didn’t feel like I was doing a “good job”. I actually felt like I wasn’t good enough. At all.

I began procrastinating before my calls by faffing with paperwork to look busy, I started to experience anxiety at the thought of my calls list, and I slowly fell out of love with my work.

But when my performance at work looked “good” from everyone else’s metrics and stats, why wasn’t that translating into feelings of being happy, content and fulfilled?

What was it that I was missing?

• Experience? Maybe.

• Confidence? Perhaps.

• Constructive feedback? YES!

While getting regular metaphorical pats on the head, I didn’t feel like I was progressing. And that was incredibly demotivating.

“Evidence shows that although feedback is among the major influences, the type of feedback and the way it is given can be differentially effective.” - The Power of Feedback

A common theme

I left that role (no surprises there, eh?!) nearly 20 years ago but my coaching clients tell me that the “you’re doing a good job” comment remains a firm favourite in the world of work. 

When asked for feedback, employees are often told that their work is good, their targets are good, and their performance is good.

But they’re left feeling like I did two long decades ago - dissatisfied and unfulfilled. Their motivation has waned and their productivity dwindled.

Why does this happen?

Quite simply, employees need more than praise and reassurance; they need constructive feedback that helps them learn and grow. And here's the kicker - the type of feedback that works best depends on whether they are intrinsically or extrinsically motivated.

For intrinsically motivated employees - that is, they are driven by personal satisfaction and enjoyment - feedback that focuses on personal growth, skill-building, and self-improvement is likely to be more effective. On the other hand, for employees who are extrinsically motivated - meaning they are motivated by external rewards or consequences - feedback and recognition that highlights these factors may be more effective.

I craved both: to feel like I was doing a good job and see as much by being on that leaderboard. 

Your team members want to feel heard, supported, understood and recognised for their skills and abilities. But they don’t want lip service. They want constructive feedback, and in this report by Gallop, 30% of employees surveyed strongly agreed they had received recognition or praise for doing good work within the last seven days. 

It went on to share:

 “Workplace recognition motivates employees, gives [employees] a sense of accomplishment and makes them feel appreciated for their work. The act of recognition also sends messages to other employees about what success looks like. In this way, recognition is both a tool for personal reward and an opportunity to reinforce the desired behavior to other employees.”

But some brains are wired to zone in on the negative

Recognition isn’t only about the feedback or how it’s delivered, it’s also about how it’s perceived and which lens (positive or negative) it’s viewed through. 

Rejection Sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is a relatively new term that describes an extreme sensitivity to perceived rejection or criticism from others. RSD can trigger intense emotional reactions such as fear, shame, or anxiety. It is often linked to ADHD but anyone can experience it.

When receiving feedback, individuals with RSD may be more likely to focus on the negative aspects or "shit" part of the delivery, even when it is sandwiched between two slices of positive feedback.

Going deeper into neuroscience, the reticular activating system (RAS) is a network of neurons throughout the brainstem that plays a crucial role in regulating our arousal (brain states) and attention. It acts as a filter for sensory information, allowing us to focus on what is relevant and ignore what is not.

RAS works like this: imagine you’ve bought a black Nissan Juke. You didn’t see any on the road before you bought one, but now they’re bloomin’ everywhere. You see them all the time. This is RAS in action. In reality, there’s exactly the same number of black Nissan Jukes as there were before - your brain simply filtered them out while they were irrelevant. 

When thinking about RSD, RAS and feedback, this can lead to a biased perception of reality, where the negative aspects are exaggerated, and the positive aspects are minimised or overlooked.

This leads me to recency bias and the feedback sandwich:

“Recency bias means people take away the positive message at the end and it can detract from any change in behaviour you were hoping to achieve.” Katie Murray - Dolphin HR copy

It is important to note that while hypervigilance towards negativity can be adaptive in certain situations, such as in detecting potential threats or danger, it can also be maladaptive when it becomes a chronic pattern of thinking. This can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and depression, and may interfere with one's ability to form positive relationships or engage in positive experiences. 

“The feedback sandwich is outdated and proven that someone who’s doubting themselves, maybe they’re lacking in confidence or especially if they’re running impostor syndrome, don’t hear the bread either side… they will cling to the “but”. And what the feedback sandwich has also done, is taught us on an unconscious level to listen and wait for the but.”  - Clare Josa - Imposter Syndrome Expert

For individuals with RSD, impostor syndrome and/or those whose RAS is wired to be hypersensitive or hypervigilant to negative stimuli, it’s difficult to filter out the negative "shit" part of the sandwich. As Clare says, they “wait for the but…”.

When the same message means different things

Research shows that feedback worded in the exact same way can have different effects on motivation depending on how experienced the person is.

If someone is new to something, they see feedback as a sign they are committed to their goal and are likely to succeed. But if someone is experienced, they see feedback as a sign they have already put in enough effort and made enough progress.  

Regardless of experience level, be specific and respectful when giving feedback. Direct language can reduce ambiguity, and so avoiding phrases like “you might/could/maybe try” can prevent confusion around what’s being asked. For example, instead of saying, “You might want to consider this new format,” you can say, “Will you try this new format next time around?” This clarity and respect can help ensure that feedback is received positively and used constructively.

Delivering feedback - the words you choose

Language can either inspire or deflate, motivate or demotivate, and build or destroy relationships. Therefore, it is important to choose your words carefully and thoughtfully.

“Positive information should not be needlessly flattering and negative information should not be unnecessarily detrimental.” Tell Me What I Did Wrong - Stacey R Finkelstein, Ayelet Fishbach

When delivering feedback, it’s important you:

• Offer timely and specific examples: share what the person did well or could have done better. Vague feedback will lead to vague results, so be as detailed as possible. Give feedback as soon as possible after the event or behaviour you are commenting on, so it can be easily recalled from memory.

• Remain empathetic and objective: in coaching, we’re taught to avoid asking questions which start with a “why” because it can sound accusatory. ;)  Use “I” statements to communicate how the person's behaviour or performance made you feel or had an impact, rather than making accusatory or judgmental statements that start with “why did you….”.

• Switch the "but" for "and": it's a simple approach that works for verbal and written comms. When a sentence is punctuated with a "but" it can negate what was said before. Switching the "but" for "and" feels more inclusive and more of a continuation.

• Keep feedback tangible: provide feedback that is helpful and actionable with a focus on what the person can do to improve. Approach the conversation with a positive and respectful attitude, and avoid making the person feel defensive or attacked. Psychological safety is key and you can read more about that in a previous article here.

• Listen: remember that your perception is just that - yours. There’s a whole other human being with feelings, thoughts and emotions to consider. Be open to the other person's perspective and listen to their feedback in return. This can help build trust and improve communication. I’ve written about perception versus reality here if you’d like to explore more.

Emotional neutrality

In past places of employment, it often felt like I would need to check my personality out as I swiped my access card to get in. We weren’t allowed personal items on our desks, and it sometimes felt like we couldn’t talk about the lives we led outside of work.

So when emotional neutrality means behaving and responding in a calm and controlled way, I am most definitely not saying that’s the recommended approach all the time. However, there is a time and place for it - and that’s when emotions are likely to run high -  in tense or sensitive situations. 

It can be really difficult to receive feedback if it’s perceived as critical or confrontational - it’ll make the other person defensive. That’s when emotional neutrality can be crucial when giving feedback. It’ll mitigate the risk of you getting angry, shouting, or saying something you go on to regret. 

Managers dread giving feedback too

Managers, like everyone else, can feel anxious or uncomfortable when giving feedback. Providing constructive criticism or addressing performance issues can be daunting, particularly if they don’t receive much praise or feedback themselves and/or there is a fear of damaging the relationship or being perceived as harsh or critical. 

“Employees who do not feel adequately recognized are twice as likely as those who do feel adequately recognized to say they'll quit in the next year.” - Gallop

Regular feedback is an essential part of a manager's role in helping employees grow and develop. Managers can approach feedback conversations with greater confidence and effectiveness by acknowledging their own discomfort and taking steps to manage it, such as preparing ahead of time and focusing on specific outcomes rather than personal traits.

So, enough waiting around - what is better than the feedback sandwich method?

When you know your colleagues are craving constructive feedback, here’s how you deliver it so teams develop and grow. It starts by introducing Start, Stop, Continue and adopting a coaching approach into your regular conversations and 1:1s:

• Start - what you want them to start doing

• Stop - what isn’t working and you’d like them to stop

• Continue - what they are already doing well and should keep doing

I don’t know exactly where the method came from (feel free to let me know if you do!). Some say “Stop / Start / Continue” is attributed to Dr. Phil Daniels, a psychology professor at Brigham Young University, and others say it’s linked to Agile project management. 

Anyway.

I didn’t want to begin with the Stop (constructive aka negative) aspect so I shuffled that to the middle. And thinking about recency bias, I wanted to end with a question to promote action.

An example:

Let’s say you manage a small team and there are lots of emails flying around each day. One of your direct reports writes incredibly detailed messages and you find it hard to find the time and focus to read through long paragraphs of text to identify what’s being asked of you. You’d like your colleague to be more succinct, but you need to phrase it so that it doesn’t hurt their feelings. Let’s have a go, shall we?

• Start - The next time you send an email, can you start putting your questions in bold? 

• Stop - So it'd be helpful to stop putting the question in standard text in the main body of the message. 

• Continue - And keep asking questions! I’m always very happy to help you.

• Coaching approach - What do you need from me to help you with this?

It works both ways

This Start/Stop/Continue approach works both ways. Ask your colleagues what they’d like you to start/stop/continue. This makes for well-rounded, constructive feedback where both parties feel valued and have the opportunity for growth.

It’s time to move away from the feedback sandwich 🥪

Giving constructive feedback is a skill that takes time to learn and the more you do it, the easier it will get. That’s why the feedback sandwich is so popular. No one likes delivering negative feedback.

When you reframe the feedback as Start - Stop - Continue and adopt a coaching approach to encourage real change, you’re taking out those powerful emotions. It’s less about you delivering bad news and more about showing the person how they can improve. Which is better for everyone all around. 

And thinking back to that sales role where I was told I was doing a "good job", I am gutted I never made the leaderboard (extrinsic motivation) ... but I definitely don’t regret leaving. :) 

Smiling woman with brown hair and a purple jumper, beside a microphone. The background is neutral.

About

I'm Victoria Tretis, and I coach neurodivergent adults who feel stuck and overwhelmed in the chaos of daily life. They want to design and achieve their version of success. (I don't believe there is one right way to accomplish this.) 

I also work with line managers who want to strengthen the support they provide within neurodiverse teams.

My work is not about rich people getting richer. Instead, sessions are centred around clients wanting to better understand themselves and those around them.

📱Curious about how I could help you unmuddle your thoughts and figure stuff out? Let’s chat! Book a discovery call in my online calendar here.